This is what my morning looked like: a hot cup of coffee, some tasty waffles, an excellent book, and the gloriously beautiful sun. Needless to say, it was a gorgeous day; and, as usual I was feeling pretty fantastic - relaxed, peaceful, thankful, and at ease. All without a lick of alcohol in my body. Too often, and for some odd reason, more often on a beautiful day, such as this, when I am feeling so good; at some point I would decide I needed a drink. Why? Because I needed something more? Something bigger and better? What could be bigger and better than sitting on your balcony reading a good book and drinking coffee while the sun fills the bright blue sky with its orangey warmth and the birds chirp "Yippee!"? I can think of reasons, excuses really, but they're irrelevant. Today is different. No drink today. What would it have been? Likely, an Oberon. Over the past few years, I have become a beer drinker. A connoisseur, if you will, or a snob, if you prefer. Exploring all the various IPAs, pale ales, stouts, and delicious choices has become a favorite pastime of mine. Why an Oberon? What better choice on a sunny day, like today? It's quite possibly the perfect drink to sip in the sun. So why not today? Because I am giving it up for 30 days and, quite possibly, for good. We will have to wait and see. The reason? I want to see what life is like without alcohol. I know what moments are like, and even nights, but I certainly can't say I know what weekends or weeks are like, or vacations or holidays - and certainly not life. I'm not judging myself. Believe me, I know that I'm probably considered to be a "normal drinker" by most of society's standards; and my friends and family certainly don't think I have a drinking problem, but what does that matter, really? If I , too often, wonder if I am drinking too much, and wish I didn't, and regret that I did, and try not to, and work hard to cut back, and just feel so damn tired from thinking about it, what does it matter if others don't think I need to quit? It's what I feel and think that matters. It's my thoughts and my feelings and my life; my life that I want to change.
Alcohol; being buzzed, feeling a bit "drinky", cutting loose and feeling what we think is relaxed and free and brave and without responsibility - well, it feels pretty fucking fantastic. But for me, and especially more and more lately, it feels false and separate and distant and closed-off and frankly, I'm getting rather tired of it. I don't feel more social (a fairly common reason to drink) and more connected to others when I've been drinking; I feel my world gets smaller and I can't see much past the slightly buzzed and exhilarating conversation about who-knows-what I'm having with the person next to me. Sure, what harm does it do if it's only now and again? What is wrong with letting go and forgetting about my responsibilities and problems, if it's only one night? I certainly can't argue that point, except to say "What if that one night turns into two? And then turns into every weekend? Then hell, why not one or two every night?" I am not ashamed to say (although I can't lie, but it sure would be nice to bury my head in the sand, but I can't. I've never been too good at that. The truth has always been something I can't deny. I seek it out, must have it, and feel false and hollow, without it) I'm fairly certain I can't do it in moderation. I just can't seem to do it every once in a while. It's an all or nothing thing with me, it seems, and I just can't do all, anymore.
When I am buzzed or drunk, I am in a haze, not really present, and I just can't let my life go by while I stand and watch, slightly disconnected, a shadow of myself. In my defense, I have to say most of my life is lived in a rather blissful state where I feel thankful and present and very aware of all that's going on around me. I appreciate my friends and family, and my job; the cats, the fish, my apartment, the trees and sky and birds, all the wonderful things that make my world a beautiful place. I work 40 hours a week at a job that I like and get along well with my coworkers. I enjoy going for walks, yoga, singing and playing the guitar, eating healthy and doing my best to get some exercise. I love camping, swimming, riding my bike, and spending precious time with my family and friends. I spend most of my life present and sober. Too often, however, I make the choice to make alcohol a part of it when it simply doesn't need to be. I want to know what life is like without alcohol. I want to know what I am like, at social gatherings or unwinding on the couch at night, without a drink in my hand. So, all that being said, I am going on a little journey. I don't know where I'm headed, or what the end will look like, I'm a little bit scared and a little excited, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Wish me luck!
